Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
