Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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