i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
