So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have tasted many bathrooms
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
