i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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