I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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