I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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