In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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