i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
