My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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