So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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