My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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