I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
