"it" just moved
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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