Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
