the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
