i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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