STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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