He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
