I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
