We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
