grandma shit on top of the toilet
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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