just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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