I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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