I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
