I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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