Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
