I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
