He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
