I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
