my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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