She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
