I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
