Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
