Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
