we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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