Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
