is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
