there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
