You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
