I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
