I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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