your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
