I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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