PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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