Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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