I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
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You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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