Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
