i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
