we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I don't deserve a penis
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
