how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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