did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
