I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
