so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
