can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
