We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
