there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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