So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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