Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
