Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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